If this offends you in any way, then we've achieved our goal! Anyone who seriously takes exception to this, why are you reading the alt.sex.* hierarchy anyway? (Mr. Cramer, please take note.)

Copyright 1994 by Andrew Clark and certain other anonymous persons. This may be freely distributed by electronic means; send comments, suggestions, and submissions to aclark at sdcc13.ucsd.edu. If we use your entry, you will be credited (or not, as you desire.)

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In the tradition of a certain author we can't mention the name of, whose claim to fame is a massive collection of children's stories:

The Dr. Sue-Us Purity Test

Without a doubt, you will see; this quiz measures your obscenity!
Record your answers, do not lie; for if you do, your mate will die.

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it with a child?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.

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clarka netcom.com Andrew Clark My ignorance is my own fault. :} God's got a sick sense of humor, but she's only human. Political sci ugrad, UC San Diego, USA | Rights atrophy without exercise. The police can't stop crime alone! Support citizen concealed carry laws.

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.