The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive

"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy

"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot

"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones

"Zzzzzz"

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak

"Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts

"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer

"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"

Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right

"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy

"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"

Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller

"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly

"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser

"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied

"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control

"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy

"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."

Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars

"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl

"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.